That Fear

I. Am. Afraid.

Since I have been here, there is one thing that bugs me most of my time. It is abstract, and that is the main reason of its indestructibility. A form of an idea can not vanish without trace. While it disturbs me like an pop up tab in a web browser, it makes me awake and conscious. There is something wrong with the place I was born. 

And that fear comes true. Well, not suddenly comes true, but based on the prediction it has substantive and enormous probability to occur in the social environment. You might say that it is a product of fear, an anxious feeling of the future, and that might be true. However, I do not see any critical evidence that prove the opposite.

The country will have immense friction. It might not be a weaponised conflict, or not yet. It will start, and already started, with a technological "weapon". Few of us will start to debate something based on its identity. They (or we) will try to distinguish between correct and wrong, and most likely anyone that is having different vision from us will be labelled as "wrong".

Unfortunately, that was not the most scary thing that I feared the most. The thing is when we actually in the wrong side, we still prove our correctness by using the mass effect. Quantity over quality. The country that at a time was using "musyawarah mufakat" or discussion and compromise as a foundation to pursue decision, now debate over everything and try to prove individual superiority. The debate itself is useful at some point, but frequently the "wrong-that-debate-everything-based-on-personal-opinion-but-do-not-want-to-accept-defeat" will eventually attack the identity of the opposite side. And, the scariest thing is, it works.

Technology development and advancement is like a knife. For a chef, it is a significant equipment to create an art. For a murder, it is a weapon to kill - but well, everything could be a weapon for them, even chopstick or pencil. In regard to this analogy, there is an obvious major distinction between the two and several slight differences. One of that differences is to become a chef, someone will need a proper training and knowledge, while for the other it is not needed. Therefore, we need a large number of "chef trainer" to train the people to use the tool correctly in the safe way and indirectly minimise the probability of increasing number of murderer.

The First for Everything

Being a newcomer could cause stirred feelings inside us. It is a fascinating, exciting, but confusing or even overwhelming circumstance. We can be enthusiastic, yet worried the outcome discouraging ourselves even more. 

The fear of doing something based on our own thoughts or consideration called mental block. Basically, it is a natural survival instinct to protect us from any potential risk which might be threatened ourselves. The lack of our understanding of the state, anxiousness, fearfulness, and the drive to be safe build a thick barrier that prevents crossing action. A frightening well-known nature we need to be wary of, mental block grows over time which implicitly means it will be harder to overcome.

We always have two options, face the mental block and cope with the horror or avoid the position and be safe in the comfort zone. While all of us know breaking the mental block is the only way to live comfortably, it is easier said than done. We may suggest others face the challenge, but hardly have the courage to solve our problems. Run and wish never deal with the terror is an intense tempting alternative but escaping problem will only suspend it from reoccurring again and again. Nevertheless, forcing ourselves to take a small step continuously to pass the barrier is a reasonable long-term solution.

Everything we can do was nil at the beginning. Our actual skill was only a potential at one point and will always be unless we boost ourselves. However, we can list abundant things now because of our previous effort. Trying something then failed is natural, but we never gave up. As an ordinary person, not a special snowflake, I kept telling myself that flunked on the first try is normal. Even so, a significant self-improvement should develop upon every failure.

A new condition might horrifying and escape from a potential risk element is a tempting alternative, yet dealing with the situation is the better -but more challenging- choice to overcome the problem. There always be the first time for everything. Giving up before even trying not only postpone individual's growth, but also the world's since its improvement totally depends on the people.

By the way, this is my first post in February.

Bertemu

Love, the burgeoning sector in young adulthood phase of human development, was the only important and interesting thing in the early third semester.  I tried to build a relationship after my ex dumped me all of a sudden in the first semester, but none succeeded. There was two or three candidate, but one was too bland while another frequently broached sensitive matters. I did not mention the others that did not have any interest with me. However, life must go on. I was a wanderer that looking for a peace.

She was the one. She, the one that ended our relationship before we even started, indirectly instilled her life principal to me. But she was the past, only a history. And I did not want to enlarge the wound that she made.

My mind wandered through the past. The ex, the girl that I liked, the girl that I secretly admired, and so on and so forth. The details of the situations were repeated like a record in my brain. It kept going on for days. I could not concentrate on the course (since when I even concentrate on one?). But, poof, suddenly they were gone. I saw you.

I found you, you the one that I saw in the public lecture. You that gave a strong first impression to me, but I could not find you anywhere I look. I was frozen for a while. You walked past me and sat on the back of the class. It was an Industrial and Organization Psychology class. Finally, I found you and I could jump for joy.

Wait, I did not know you, neither you were. What if she already had a boyfriend? What if she did not like me at all? What if, what if, what if. Okay, just go with the flow, I had to make it smooth and slow. Maybe, just a friend? Yes, moving on to "friend" from two strangers was the choice that I made. I wanted to know more about you but slowly, so nobody will get hurt.

I kept quietly watching you throughout the day.